Helping you help your child when they feel disappointed

Being a father

Watching your child face disappointment – whether it is repeating a grade, not making a sports team, or being excluded from university due to finances – is one of the hardest things for a father. In a country where financial pressures are constant and opportunities are limited, it is easy for children to feel like their future is out of reach.

Disappointment is part of life, and how you respond as a father can shape how your child handles tough times in the future. The Fathers Matter WhatsApp Coach, developed by Heartlines, is a free tool offering real-time advice, guidance and support for South African dads. Affectionately known as “Coach,” it provides practical steps to help you guide your child through tough times.

Here are five tips from Coach to help you support your child through disappointment while teaching them resilience and self-worth.

1. Acknowledge their feelings

When your child faces disappointment, they need to feel heard. Saying things like “It’s not the end of the world” can leave them feeling confused about their emotions. Instead, Coach encourages fathers to acknowledge their child’s feelings and let them know it is okay to feel upset.

For example, if your child has to repeat a grade, say: “I can see this is really upsetting for you. It’s okay to feel sad, and I’m here to talk whenever you’re ready.”

Listening without judgement shows your child their emotions matter. Simply being present – even without all the answers – can make a big difference. Coach emphasises that creating a safe space for your child to express themselves builds trust and opens the door for deeper conversations.

2. Teach them that setbacks are part of life

In South Africa, where opportunities can be scarce, children often base their self-worth on achievements. Coach reminds fathers that failure does not define a person – it is how they respond that matters.

Share stories from your own life where you faced setbacks. For example:

“When I was younger, I didn’t get the job I wanted. At first, I felt like giving up, but I kept trying and eventually found something better. That experience taught me to never stop believing in myself.”

Hearing about your struggles helps your child understand that setbacks are normal and can help them grow in the end.

3. Focus on effort and celebrate progress

If your child feels like they've failed, it's a great chance to teach them that their effort is more important than the result.

Coach suggests praising their hard work rather than focusing on the outcome. For example, if they didn't make the rugby team, say: “I’m proud of how much effort you put into practicing. That kind of dedication will take you far, no matter what happens.”

Celebrate small wins, like passing a test after struggling in school or showing up to practice despite not making the team. Celebrations do not have to be expensive – a high five, their favourite meal or words of encouragement can go a long way.

4. Help them set new goals

Disappointment can leave your child feeling stuck. Help them move forward by setting new, achievable goals. Coach recommends breaking big challenges into smaller tasks. For example:

If your child is struggling to improve their marks, start by helping them set daily study goals, like reviewing one subject for 30 minutes each evening.
If they didn’t make their sports team trials, encourage them to work on specific skills, like practicing their passing or fitness, a little each day.

Encourage them to set out steps toward their goals, let your child know that progress – no matter how slow – is still progress. Helping them take control of what they can change builds their confidence and gives them hope for the future.

5. Be present and consistent

Your presence matters most when your child is disappointed. Small gestures like regular phone calls, video chats, or encouraging messages about school or sports remind them you care.

Coach emphasises that being present does not mean having all the answers; it means showing up. Whether it is helping with homework, sitting with them while they process emotions, or cheering them on, your consistency reassures them they are not alone.

For fathers who don't live with their children, staying connected through regular communication is a key way of showing your child that you want to be a part of their life.

Being a father in South Africa comes with unique challenges. Many dads carry societal expectations, financial pressures and personal struggles while trying to show up for their children. But, you don't have to do this alone.

At the heart of fatherhood is love, patience and presence. By showing up during tough moments, you teach your child that they are not defined by their failures and they have a choice in how they react to them. As you and your child walk this journey together, tools like the Fathers Matter WhatsApp Coach are here to guide and support you.

Click here to join the Coach