“Are we a seed in our father before we're in our mother's womb?”

As he introduced the Fathers Matter programme to a group of vibrant 25 to 30-year-old students from the Good Work Foundation (GWF) in Shabalala village, near Hazyview, Heartlines rep Comfort Ndhlovu started by asking: Do mothers matter? The answer was a resounding “YES!” However, as soon as Comfort asked: Do fathers matter? Suddenly the room went silent, with occasional whispers as the students discussed their answers among themselves.

Xihlamariso eventually stood up and explained that she doesn’t believe that fathers matter because she “grew up in an abusive family, and growing up I used to see how much hurt men can bring into your life”. Xihlamariso went on to say that because of the fears that her father left in her, she knew that she didn't need a man in her life and that is why fathers and men don’t matter in her life.

It's rare that we leave a Fathers Matter workshop and aren't confronted with stories of abuse. Fathers Matter Project Manager, Zamabongo Mojalefa reminded us that “We can’t be kept captive by our past and expect the next man you encounter to exhibit the same behaviour. Our reality changes once our perspective on what we deserve changes.”

Comfort then opened up the discussion and asked the students of GWF: If you look at your life – whether he was present or absent – what did you learn from you father? These were some of the responses:

“It is not every father who is present that is positive. I think we need to be appreciative of the fathers that are there for us and turn our focus away from those that do bad”. – Xolisiwe.

"Fathers matter because I saw my father love us and show us how a man should treat us. My father took us as an extension of himself. He always said that we represent him which is why I believe that they do matter.” – Thobela

“[My father taught me] the value of making mistakes and never being afraid to run to him.” – Phindile

At the end of the session we asked Xihlamariso if her view on fatherhood had changed and this is what she had to say: “My family unit was run and led by women. I didn’t see the value of having a man and even though I initially thought that fathers don’t matter, once I learnt that a father isn’t just a man who is biologically connected to you my view on why fathers matter has changed.”

Comfort closed off the session by reminding us that we need to look at fathers as human beings who make mistakes, but if they repent and fix their wrongs we should be welcoming of that.